This one may not be for everyone… but that is okay. This past week has been a rough one for me for many different reasons and through everything, all I wanted was to call my grandma because she ALWAYS knew exactly what to say. We would talk on the phone every day at lunch and facetime almost as often. It was a special relationship that most people will not ever understand but I wish that everyone at some point in their lives can experience a relationship like the one we had. Life without her has been inexplicably tough, especially lately as I attempt to find my way through a sea of transitions and life changes. Now more than ever I need her advice, but I am left having to imagine what she would say to me if she were here.
Yesterday was a bad day. The worst I have experienced in a long time. What I needed more than anything in the world was to talk to her. So I wrote her a letter. I know that this letter will never receive a response, yet the act of writing it was enough. I am going to share this letter with you, not because I want your sympathy, but because no one can ever be prepared to deal with loss. No matter how much you convince yourself that you understand mortality, that you know everything must come to an end.
Even when, like me, you get the unbelievable lucky opportunity to say your goodbyes to a loved one before they leave you. It is still never enough time. Never enough goodbyes. Never enough preparation for what will come to pass and how to live your life after it does. So please do not feel sad for me. I am sharing these letters with you because for me, writing is my therapy. It is the one thing in this world that can help illuminate my darkest days. I want you to read these letters and know that it is okay to hurt. It is okay to cry. And most importantly, it is okay to feel nothing at all. To be lost and confused in a world that you can no longer recognize without that one special person existing in it.
The grieving and healing process is not an exact science. You cannot read a “10-Step Guide” on Pinterest and magically repair the gaping hole that is now permanently in your heart and in your soul. You cannot go back to the person you were before because that is in the past, and that person no longer exists. Whether you like it or not, you are now a different person because you have experienced something that you can never fully forget or move on from. The loss will always be with you. But you can move forward into the new life waiting ahead of you. You can embrace the pain and the loss and come out the other side better and stronger and braver than you ever were before. You can love deeper, smile longer, and dream bigger.
Everyone deals with loss differently, and this is how I deal with mine. If it helps even just one of you find a way to deal with your new life after loss, then my heart will be full. If you have any questions, or simply need a safe place to share your story, please feel free to leave your thoughts below.
I miss you so much. This past week I have been having so many dreams about you and it is getting hard to keep the tears trapped in a dream. I wake up and feel as though I am reliving your loss all over again. You were always the guiding light in my life whenever I was faced with trials and tribulations. You were my rock. A force to be reckoned with. I admired you so much and I still do. For months after I lost you I couldn’t feel anything at all. I was numb. But the pain was festering and it slowly overwhelms my mind when I least expect it. There are so many things I wish I could tell you. To share with you. You always knew how to fix the bad times and make me feel like a superstar during the good times. I wish I could just give you one more hug. See one more smile. Share one more laugh. But I know that I can’t. So instead I will keep writing these letters to you. It will be like you are right by my side through the whole journey that will be the rest of my life. And who knows… maybe you are somewhere out there reading these words and writing back to me. Anyways, I love you and miss you more than these words could ever tell you.
All my love,